Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
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Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
groan^2
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}