Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This meeting could have been a cake
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
my sentiments exactly
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.