I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Favourite diary entry ever
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
What?!?
Had to try this trend 😊
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake