hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Called it
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?