“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Happy Friday
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate