Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg