I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
You Might Also Like
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.