A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.