Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Waiting for the Charmin
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.