doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Okay me first
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Lmao