i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.