Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.