the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Europe. Made in Germany.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
#catsoftwitter
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕