At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.