so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Weighing up my bread heating options
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.