[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.