[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety