You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I love twitter
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool