this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
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toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
How it started How it’s going
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’ve had worse
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I had to Stop for this
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Tier 3 meme
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.