Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.