CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”