Hey Fugeddaboutit
You Might Also Like
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.