#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You Might Also Like
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it