Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already