I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location