I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Meeeee too!
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me irl
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
That time Alicia messaged me
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )