The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
You Might Also Like
Oh hi lol
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
damn he’s good
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.