I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Every work meeting this week
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!