My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.