Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
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We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
🤔😂😂
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
only 11 steps left
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.