“I FIXED IT!”
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Someone just threatened to call me later
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
happy valentine’s day to me
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it