Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I’m giving up for Lent.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dolls on drugs
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something