Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
i will not be silenced
Green is just blue that someone peed in
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.