FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..