Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
This dude got his own movie?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.