Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.