[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Mad Max Arctic Road
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.