Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.