I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
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Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.