I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Monday Lisa
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”