*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–