“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.