If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You Might Also Like
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”