The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
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If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.