DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
So true for me
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀