Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Friends that check up on you >
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27