Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
A dad and his duck
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*