ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
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[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I have a type: disappointing
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The Sun
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.