[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
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7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Sorry. Not sorry
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.