Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I think I’m having a stroke
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”